A series of unfortunate coincidences that made me think of amor fati and my own self-representation (a serious case of bad PR) has caused hell and havoc within the confines of my mind. That I was somehow grossly throwing out slanders into the world and hurting people in ways I didn’t even know. That somehow even though my physical presence wasn’t there, this person could still feel me lurking around trying to pick a lock (okay maybe this is true). That I was using sacred and meaningful words and attaching them to the river Po or a peach pastry so that if you took the association two steps further in the wrong direction, it’d be covered in shit and I’d be eating it. That simply knowing I’m out in the world eulogizing a remembrance not even my own but of someone else’s love story had to be stopped, silenced. That I was some Louise Joséphine Bourgeois spider trying to weave myself into a narrative I was left out of and seeking young blood.
Paranoia, as though everyone was in on it, friends and strangers alike. When your upstanding friend’s 2-year-old daughter and a Greek art blogger with sexual tendencies both start telling you hand is foot, something is up. This innocuous and rather naive blog with writings of E. M. Forster daydreams, came alive in the most macabre fashion. And these people seemed angry, ready to send me to prison.
I kept looking where I shouldn’t, it had become an habitual tick. It had been going on for years but things changed last year when more antagonists entered the picture and I soon realized I wasn’t the only one who knew some version of the story. The general consensus seemed to be “You’re Calypso thinking you’re Sicily.” I can see how insufferable my IG account would be to someone who believed this. I kept looking in the same place for a different answer, but the light in which I was seen never changed but the way I was seeing myself was changing. I was starting to feel the most negative and at times positive emotions in the most real ways.
The entrance to the prisons of the Palazzo Ducale are blocked with lines of shore excursion tourists from the steady stream of cruise boats parading into Venice. It’ll be a long time on the Bridge of Sighs before I ever get in. That is why I couldn’t see the catacombs of Gente di Palermo by Gordon Douglas.
We hit all the main sights of Paris, starting with the Trocadéro walking to metro Jasmin, on to Montmartre and then to Notre Dame. While walking through the 16th, I tried to take us off the main road, a surprisingly large one for Paris and found he was trying to take us to a specific point before we wandered. Before we hit this predetermined point, we passed a branch of Pierre Hermé. My friend loved their artisan jams and since they didn’t ship to the U.S., her supply came from my sporadic endeavors. We walked into an empty store, even the shop assistant had left her post. He went straight to the macaroons and I went straight for the jams. My hand reached up to a top shelf to grab an Ispahan jam, her favorite. They were stacked going no higher than two tiers. I reached for one on the bottom, suddenly causing one from above to crash to the ground. The shop assistant came out and looked over with a sigh of oh well to the splattered jam. I apologized and she motioned such things happen.
When we had first arrived at Trocadéro, I had given him this piece of chocolate I had saved from my Lufthansa flight breakfast. A little Berlin bear holding an “I love Berlin” red heart made by a local chocolatier Fassbender & Rausch. Why do we like to give little sweets to our potential sweethearts? After taking in the always surprising view of the Effiel Tower from Trocadéro, I was moved enough by the view to muster some courage, to give him what I had wanted to give him at Charles de Gaulle.
“I brought something for you from the airplane.” Oh the elegance of my conversational prose, blunt and simple like a butter knife.
“That is so sweet, let me guess. Is it sweet?”
“Is it chocolate?”
I fished in my overloaded Longchamp bag and brought out my Berlin bear.
“That is so sweet. I’m going to eat it right now.”
I felt so much better after he ate the chocolate, I felt accepted again. I was thankful for this, I had feared his refusal of the Berlin bear. On my return flight to Berlin, I again received a Berlin bear from Lufthansa which I ate myself. There was less cacao and more sugar than a 27% chocolate.
At Pierre Hermé, I only picked one macaroon being conscious of the money he was spending. I later regretted not having taken more. I picked a light-colored mint macaroon flavored olive oil & vanilla and he got the same. He mimicked my orders till dinnertime and for the first time in my life, I never had a problem deciding what I wanted to order. No endless deliberations. During the course of the day, he picked three bugs out of my hair and exclaimed in amazement that my hair attracted an abnormally high percentage of bugs. I wondered without him, would I just be walking around cities with bugs in my hair.
Having been a high school drum major, he had theories on the character traits of each of the marching band instruments focusing mainly on the horns. He shared this with me in the metro. I didn’t pay attention to which metro, he always knew where we were going.
“You played the clarinet. I can totally see you as a clarinet,” he said.
“That is not the instrument I would have chosen for myself. My dad picked it for me.”
“Which instrument would you have chosen?”
“You’re not a cello, you’re a clarinet. I always liked clarinets and trumpets the most. Clarinets are the nerdy, quiet ones. The flutes are like the town hoe, the French horns are usually arrogant and egoists, trumpets are more relaxed and easy-going and then it just progresses to more relaxed and more (he slightly hunches over) the bigger the brass instrument, like the tubas.”
“So are you like a French horn?”
“I used to be more arrogant.”
“Because you were smart?”
Earlier that morning, walking under the Eiffel Tower, I had tried to show off my one piece of knowledge about French horns which wasn’t even from my own astute observation but rather one of the few things about classical music I had taken away from my classical music lover ex. My ex had hated French horns in the orchestra. He thought they ruined concerts and were lazy, all around bastards for being the culprits of destroying his musical transcendence. A missed note at the end of an orchestral piece to send him toppling to the ground “Damn the French Horns!” He lamented that all they had to do was hit the last note in the piece and they couldn’t even do that because they were probably just sleeping or just lazy.
“Someone once told me that French horns ruined orchestral concerts by hitting the wrong note at the end.” Delivering my 2 cents worth of French horn knowledge.
“That’s true. There are times when I think, there is no way I am hitting that note. That is why you see a lot of horn players doing this.” He uses one hand to replicate the up and down motion associated with male masturbation. I laughed.
As we walked down into the park below Trocadéro, I needed to use the restroom. He expressed what he thought we could be doing in the Jardins du Trocadéro.
“I was thinking we could get a blanket and some wine and sit here, what do you think?”
“Sure, sounds good.”
It never happened, not even an attempt to go into a grocery store. The idea came and went like a passing thought. When I saw two restaurants along the edges of the park, I made my way over. The first cafe asked for a euro so I went next door and the guy reluctantly let me go for free. When I came back out, I saw him sitting on the edges of a flower pot with his head in his hands, looking as if in deep despair.
“You look like you’re in despair.”
“Despair, that’s a great word.”
We walked along an nondescript boulevard away from the park and away from a lovers lounge in the park. He asked, “Who did you sell to?”
“I was actually pretty good at it, I disarmed them with my quiet demeanor.”
“You have a nice voice, I can see that. You know what I do also involves selling myself.”
“I found that its easier to sell to men rather than women. I never had luck with women. Its just a lot of objection handling with men, if you can convince them logically, they will buy. Its different with women.”
“It was the opposite with me. I had more luck with women. I think with women you have to appeal to their imagination. Funny how that comes into play.”
We circled around back up to Trocadéro. “Have you thought of going back to Academia?” he asked.
“I like their pursuit of knowledge but I don’t think like an academic. You need to be thorough and analytical. I’m more creative and not thorough.”
“I think artists are the most ethical of the professions.”
“But they’re not ethical when it comes to sex. They’re the most amoral in that respect. Sex is apart of their creative process, so they’re free.”
Thinking back on this response, I wasn’t referring to myself but to a 19 year old Canadian artist I had recently met in Berlin. Unfortunately, he didn’t know this.
I continued, “You know my half-brother couldn’t understand what I could possibly be doing in Berlin, so he asked if I was a librarian because he knew I loved books.” We laughed.
We made our way along another nondescript boulevard into the residential 16th arrondissement. For all the tiny sidewalks, he liked to direct us onto decidedly unParisian roads. Once we began to wander off the main road, into the heavily quiet, empty and residential, we crossed several tiny streets with no traffic. I suspected he picked this based on my now mysterious comments on wealth, which I no longer remembered. The buildings were uniform in material and design, establishing an air of order, stately and grand but a bit uptight. No window showed a burst of individual eccentricity. As soon as we began to cross a street, I would feel his hand on my back. At one deserted crossing, his hand lightly tapped my back twice.
“What was that?” I laughed.
“To make sure you crossed the street safely.” He smiled.
At the start of our wandering point in the 16th, he also noticed that my shoulders and the entire back area behind my shoulders were tense.
“This whole area is tense. I”m going to have to give you a back massage one day.” he said as he touched that area.
“Its always tense there. I’m eventually going to become a hunchback. You notice everything.”
It was true, my shoulders felt more tense than usual. Exactly one skinny, stylish French girl passed us while we were walking in the 16th. She was wearing various layers of black and leather and her walk suggested she had better things to do than walk behind us. He made a negative judgement toward the rich looking pretty girl.
“I was explaining to my Moroccan friend the meaning of the word ‘bitch.’ When I finished, she said, you mean French girls?” As the girl walked pass us, he said, “Kind of like her.”
We passed by a compact, vintage, boxy car. One that gave off the image of being an old classic but was brand new.
“I like small cars, like this one,” he said as he walked around to look into the driver’s seat. “I don’t understand why people like big things… big cars like SUVs. That’s why I liked Bruges. I loved the buildings there. Have you ever been?”
“Yes, I understand.” I liked guys who were not characteristically tall. And it was a good sign when they liked small things. I felt it meant they liked themselves.
“If you could live anywhere in the world regardless of money, where would you live?”
“Also language?” An obstacle I considered stronger than money.
“I’d live in Rome. What about you?”
“I’d want a place in Brooklyn and Manhattan. Another place somewhere along the Mediterranean. I’d like a place in Bruges and maybe a house in China.”
“That’s a lot of places.”
We came across a neighborhood church. I always go into churches. When we entered, he bent down on one knee and crossed himself. He tried to instruct me on doing the same, but I continued to the pews.
“Are you Catholic?” I asked.
“No, but I like to show respect when I enter any church. I sometimes pray.”
“I’m not religious but I also pray.”
We took a seat and stared at the large crucification cross in front of us. It was a modern interpretation made of wood, with the arms of the cross rising into victory arms.
“I’ve never seen a cross look so happy,” I observed.
“I like it. You know there are some denominations that are happier.”
He took out his camera and took a photo of the happy cross. “I used to pray to St. Jude, the saint for hopeless and desperate cases, for hope when I was unemployed and back home,” his face serious in reflection.
Outside we walked past a men’s clothing store and he stopped and looked into the display window. “I like suede shoes, like these.”
My thoughts naturally drifted back to his morning story of the 45 year-old and the suit. In thought, not only did I momentarily stop listening, my eyes stopped looking too. As he looked, I was lost in negative thought.
“Why do you like suede?” I presently had on a suede jacket and suede shoes.
“They’re easier to clean.”
Brought back to the present, I tried to recover how one cleaned suede, but I was looking in a foggy mind. We left the window and I never saw the shoes.
Somewhere deep in the 16th arrondissement near metro Jasmin, we took a cappuccino break and I insisted we sit at the bar instead of one of the outside tables. I recounted my lesson in the necessity of bar seating for cheaper coffee prices. The entire cafe was empty and all the Parisians were just like us clambering to the bar. One old guy dragged a stool right behind us as we took the last two seats and asked if he could be considered as bar seating. They told him he could sit by the window and still be considered at the bar.
He liked the cappuccino and the conversation veered to Asian fetish. I said “Everyone thinks just because I live in Germany I only like blond guys.”
“I know, I once dated a black girl and everyone said I had Jungle fever.”
“You know there are some Asian girls that only date other Asians.”
He nodded his head.
I continued, “The first thing I have to do with these girls is prove that the guy I like does not have a thing for Asians. I also used to think it was a bad thing (and in some cases it is) but when you actually think about it, I want the guys to like Asians. I’m Asian.”
“But don’t you want them to like you uniquely as Johanna.”
“Of course, but I am not a free floating entity. I exist in an Asian body, that is also part of who I am. Do you have a type?”
“I don’t have a type, you’d have to ask my friends.” He seemed upset by this question, which made me think I wasn’t his type.
As my friend saw me off on the train back to Berlin, she wistfully said, ” I hope your train ride is like Before Sunrise.” To which I replied, “You haven’t seen the people who sit next to me on trains.” Instead, my Deutsche Bahn train got delayed almost until sunrise and so I got a 9 EUR refund.
I had spent part of the weekend in Frankfurt asking her to help me deconstruct a music video in which a wolf was following a lady in a blue dress. Then I threw in an extra variable of Phrygian mythology into the mix in which a man becomes like a woman or dresses like a woman. Listening to myself, I realized this is really hard to explain. I had the feeling I must be the wolf scared off by the sound of music and then left on the road as the car drives off. And if one wolf wasn’t enough, I saw another one looking straight into my eyes, telling me sweetie pie, you’re the wolf honey bun. The second she-wolf was this pseudo-cinematic poster for Ed Aktins’ Corpsing exhibition at MMK.
When we walked into the exhibition, my friend noticed the artist was born in 1982 and said, “He was born in 1982 and already in a museum. Johanna, we’re losers.” I replied, “He’s ‘one of the greatest artists of our generation.’ ” I told her it might be difficult in the beginning to understand but after about 20 minutes, it will start making sense. Every 5 minutes, I checked in to see how bored she was, “Are you okay?” She said, “This guy is the king of depression but I like the song.” Song went something like this,” I didn’t know… I didn’t know how deep I had gone…” The avatar sang this as he sank deeper and deeper into acts of depression while his body started to decompose until finally a sinkhole (that was unknowingly present the whole time) opens up during an earthquake and swallows him and his world whole. The next day while we were driving through the city, I heard my friend humming a tune and realized it was the depressed avatar song.
Her son was now 3-years-old, so after I bought him some coloring wall stickers and a coloring poster I asked her, “Does your son like to color?” “I’ve never seen him coloring.” “Oh, what does he like?” “He wants to be Darth Vader.” So when my wonderful coloring gifts were revealed, all three of us (Friend, Dad, and Me) made an effort to get him to start coloring. He made like three rough up and down motions with a green marker outside the coloring lines and then started yelling, “Badminton, badminton!” However, I didn’t want to stop coloring but felt I had too. Then, the dad got out the badminton rackets, but the boy kept missing the birdie. My friend then turned to me and said “See, can’t color or play badminton.” “So much energy…” “This is nothing.” Then, the son started yelling, “Darth Vader, Darth Vader!” So the dad got his black cape, mask and lightsaber, fastened the cape, handed him the mask and the lightsaber, and then he presented himself to me as Darth Vader.
The next day the whole family and I went to brunch at a Japanese/ French cafe. After a few bites of peaceful eating, the son’s head erupts. He starts coughing, then his nose starts running, then tears start streaming down his cheeks and then he vomits. His dad catches the vomit in his hands as I quickly pick up a plate for it to be disposed. The two of them immediately head home but my friend barely even freaks out. “Your son’s head just erupted!” “Happens all the time,” and she goes back to eating. Just the two of us now, I start telling her of this video I posted on Facebook and got a Durex condom advertisement in my newsfeed. But right as I start telling this, my friend calls which I ignore because I specifically told him I would be busy visiting a friend but accidentally took the call so he hears the first half of the story. Astonishing how much I was able to communicate in just under a minute.
One of the most memorable things a former graduate tutor said about one of my papers (on Augustine) was that it reminded him of La Rochefoucauld. I had no idea who he was or even what a maxim was but I knew it was a compliment.
I said goodbye to a bathroom. Without my glasses, I had to pick up every single toiletry item to identify the brands that took care of your body. I took a whiff of your deodorant, opened a jar of gel and used your lip balm. I carefully placed every object back exactly where I had found them. The star of the bathroom was your perfume. Standing there with nothing to do, I suddenly became mischievous and inspired, I blame it on the Campari. I placed what was inside and put it outside, I took what was above and put it below, I made what was lying down upright, I turned your shampoos that were facing one way face the other way, I cleaned what was stained with toothpaste and made it look new again. I wondered if you would get the Warholian joke. The only thing I didn’t touch was your toothbrush.
For someone my memory was encapsulated in a banana and chocolate crêpe made by a young Canadian girl in York who loved Europe.
In the city of York this past week, a long lost friend ordered a banana and chocolate crêpe and experienced a Proustian Madeleine journey down memory lane. At the end of it was me, my 22 year-old self making waffles at the Belgian Food Company on Oxford Street.
I wondered of all the experiences we had shared, how had I become associated with a crêpe. Both forgotten to each other for the past 6 years as he became a husband and then a father and I had unconsciously practiced the art of forgetting our real chats and gchats, I combed gmail manually in search of remembrance when I came upon the Madeleine memory in my gchat. The actual memory had been 14 years old but the retelling had only been 7.
Friend: Tell me a story
in the movie
Where the wild things are
The mother has a bad evening and asks the boy to tell her a story
Me: Sorry my computer froze then I had to restart, etc
story what kind of story
Friend: I thought u signed out without saying bye again and I was sad
Me: the other times its because you hadn’t answered in like an hour
Friend: Yeah I guess
Tell me any story
A sweet story
I’m having a Sunday evening panic attack lol
Me: Panic attack
Friend: I often have emotional tsunamis on Sunday evenings
I’ve had them since I can remember
Me: Fictional or non-fictional story… now i can’t think of any
Friend: I feel like I didn’t accomplish enough this week and I have general feeling of fear and angst of starting a new week
Me: What were you suppose to accomplish, you mean at work
Well, remember how i used to work at the Belgian Food Company in London? making waffles
Friend: Oh yeah!!!! What about it?
Me: Well, three years ago this guy emails me, tracks me down from online articles I had written because he was trying to find someone who had worked at the Belgian Food Company and it was close to Valentine’s Day. He emails and says that he wants to know how to make waffles like the ones sold at the Belgium Food Company because those were his girlfriend’s favorite.
Friend: Wow lol
Me: But wait… the story gets better… essentially, they didn’t have alot of money to travel and had worked and saved but still couldn’t really eat out and i guess do anything luxurious while they were traveling so it turned out that the Belgian waffle was one of her favorite meals in London and he wanted to recreate the waffle and put an engagement ring in it to propose but he couldn’t get the waffle right and so he had tracked me down. Unfortunately, I had to tell that I didn’t actually make the waffles but that they were pre-made. I was however able to tell him the dough had chunks of sugar in them and that the trick was to have the dough at the right temperature.
And did he get it?
Me: I don.t know if he was ever able to make the waffle just right…
Me: Oh, he had been working on the recipe for like a few weeks before he contacted me.