“Your life is not a movie”

April 30th, 2014

St.Jude Google search image
St.Jude Google search image

We hit all the main sights of Paris, starting with the Trocadéro walking to metro Jasmin, on to Montmartre and then to Notre Dame. While walking through the 16th, I tried to take us off the main road, a surprisingly large one for Paris and found he was trying to take us to a specific point before we wandered. Before we hit this predetermined point, we passed a branch of Pierre Hermé. My friend loved their artisan jams and since they didn’t ship to the U.S., her supply came from my sporadic endeavors. We walked into an empty store, even the shop assistant had left her post. He went straight to the macaroons and I went straight for the jams. My hand reached up to a top shelf to grab an Ispahan jam, her favorite. They were stacked going no higher than two tiers. I reached for one on the bottom, suddenly causing one from above to crash to the ground. The shop assistant came out and looked over with a sigh of oh well to the splattered jam. I apologized and she motioned such things happen.

When we had first arrived at Trocadéro, I had given him this piece of chocolate I had saved from my Lufthansa flight breakfast. A little Berlin bear holding an “I love Berlin” red heart made by a local chocolatier Fassbender & Rausch. Why do we like to give little sweets to our potential sweethearts? After taking in the always surprising view of the Effiel Tower from Trocadéro, I was moved enough by the view to muster some courage, to give him what I had wanted to give him at Charles de Gaulle.

“I brought something for you from the airplane.” Oh the elegance of my conversational prose, blunt and simple like a butter knife.

“That is so sweet, let me guess. Is it sweet?”

“Yes.”

“Is it chocolate?”

“Yes.”

I fished in my overloaded Longchamp bag and brought out my Berlin bear.

“That is so sweet. I’m going to eat it right now.”

I felt so much better after he ate the chocolate, I felt accepted again. I was thankful for this, I had feared his refusal of the Berlin bear. On my return flight to Berlin, I again received a Berlin bear from Lufthansa which I ate myself. There was less cacao and more sugar than a 27% chocolate.

At Pierre Hermé, I only picked one macaroon being conscious of the money he was spending. I later regretted not having taken more. I picked a light-colored mint macaroon flavored olive oil & vanilla and he got the same. He mimicked my orders till dinnertime and for the first time in my life, I never had a problem deciding what I wanted to order. No endless deliberations. During the course of the day, he picked three bugs out of my hair and exclaimed in amazement that my hair attracted an abnormally high percentage of bugs. I wondered without him, would I just be walking around cities with bugs in my hair.

Having been a high school drum major, he had theories on the character traits of each of the marching band instruments focusing mainly on the horns. He shared this with me in the metro. I didn’t pay attention to which metro, he always knew where we were going.

“You played the clarinet. I can totally see you as a clarinet,” he said.

“That is not the instrument I would have chosen for myself. My dad picked it for me.”

“Which instrument would you have chosen?”

“The cello.”

“You’re not a cello, you’re a clarinet. I always liked clarinets and trumpets the most. Clarinets are the nerdy, quiet ones. The flutes are like the town hoe, the French horns are usually arrogant and egoists, trumpets are more relaxed and easy-going and then it just progresses to more relaxed and more (he slightly hunches over) the bigger the brass instrument, like the tubas.”

“So are you like a French horn?”

“I used to be more arrogant.”

“Because you were smart?”

“Yes.”

Earlier that morning, walking under the Eiffel Tower, I had tried to show off my one piece of knowledge about French horns which wasn’t even from my own astute observation but rather one of the few things about classical music I had taken away from my classical music lover ex. My ex had hated French horns in the orchestra. He thought they ruined concerts and were lazy, all around bastards for being the culprits of destroying his musical transcendence. A missed note at the end of an orchestral piece to send him toppling to the ground “Damn the French Horns!” He lamented that all they had to do was hit the last note in the piece and they couldn’t even do that because they were probably just sleeping or just lazy.

“Someone once told me that French horns ruined orchestral concerts by hitting the wrong note at the end.” Delivering my 2 cents worth of French horn knowledge.

“That’s true. There are times when I think, there is no way I am hitting that note. That is why you see a lot of horn players doing this.” He uses one hand to replicate the up and down motion associated with male masturbation. I laughed.

As we walked down into the park below Trocadéro, I needed to use the restroom. He expressed what he thought we could be doing in the Jardins du Trocadéro.

“I was thinking we could get a blanket and some wine and sit here, what do you think?”

“Sure, sounds good.”

It never happened, not even an attempt to go into a grocery store. The idea came and went like a passing thought. When I saw two restaurants along the edges of the park, I made my way over. The first cafe asked for a euro so I went next door and the guy reluctantly let me go for free. When I came back out, I saw him sitting on the edges of a flower pot with his head in his hands, looking as if in deep despair.

“You look like you’re in despair.”

“Despair, that’s a great word.”

We walked along an nondescript boulevard away from the park and away from a lovers lounge in the park. He asked, “Who did you sell to?”

“SEO mangaers, Ecommerce directors, Online marketing managers.”

“I can’t imagine you selling.”

“I was actually pretty good at it, I disarmed them with my quiet demeanor.”

“You have a nice voice, I can see that. You know what I do also involves selling myself.”

“I found that its easier to sell to men rather than women. I never had luck with women. Its just a lot of objection handling with men, if you can convince them logically, they will buy. Its different with women.”

“It was the opposite with me. I had more luck with women. I think with women you have to appeal to their imagination. Funny how that comes into play.”

We circled around back up to Trocadéro. “Have you thought of going back to Academia?” he asked.

“I like their pursuit of knowledge but I don’t think like an academic. You need to be thorough and analytical. I’m more creative and not thorough.”

“I think artists are the most ethical of the professions.”

“But they’re not ethical when it comes to sex. They’re the most amoral in that respect. Sex is apart of their creative process, so they’re free.”

Thinking back on this response, I wasn’t referring to myself but to a 19 year old Canadian artist I had recently met in Berlin. Unfortunately, he didn’t know this.

I continued, “You know my half-brother couldn’t understand what I could possibly be doing in Berlin, so he asked if I was a librarian because he knew I loved books.” We laughed.

We made our way along another nondescript boulevard into the residential 16th arrondissement. For all the tiny sidewalks, he liked to direct us onto decidedly unParisian roads. Once we began to wander off the main road, into the heavily quiet, empty and residential, we crossed several tiny streets with no traffic. I suspected he picked this based on my now mysterious comments on wealth, which I no longer remembered. The buildings were uniform in material and design, establishing an air of order, stately and grand but a bit uptight. No window showed a burst of individual eccentricity. As soon as we began to cross a street, I would feel his hand on my back. At one deserted crossing, his hand lightly tapped my back twice.

“What was that?” I laughed.

“To make sure you crossed the street safely.” He smiled.

At the start of our wandering point in the 16th, he also noticed that my shoulders and the entire back area behind my shoulders were tense.

“This whole area is tense. I”m going to have to give you a back massage one day.” he said as he touched that area.

“Its always tense there. I’m eventually going to become a hunchback. You notice everything.”

It was true, my shoulders felt more tense than usual. Exactly one skinny, stylish French girl passed us while we were walking in the 16th. She was wearing various layers of black and leather and her walk suggested she had better things to do than walk behind us. He made a negative judgement toward the rich looking pretty girl.

“I was explaining to my Moroccan friend the meaning of the word ‘bitch.’ When I finished, she said, you mean French girls?” As the girl walked pass us, he said, “Kind of like her.”

We passed by a compact, vintage, boxy car. One that gave off the image of being an old classic but was brand new.

“I like small cars, like this one,” he said as he walked around to look into the driver’s seat. “I don’t understand why people like big things… big cars like SUVs. That’s why I liked Bruges. I loved the buildings there. Have you ever been?”

“Yes, I understand.” I liked guys who were not characteristically tall. And it was a good sign when they liked small things. I felt it meant they liked themselves.

“If you could live anywhere in the world regardless of money, where would you live?”

“Also language?” An obstacle I considered stronger than money.

“Yes.”

“I’d live in Rome. What about you?”

“I’d want a place in Brooklyn and Manhattan. Another place somewhere along the Mediterranean. I’d like a place in Bruges and maybe a house in China.”

“That’s a lot of places.”

We came across a neighborhood church. I always go into churches. When we entered, he bent down on one knee and crossed himself. He tried to instruct me on doing the same, but I continued to the pews.

“Are you Catholic?” I asked.

“No, but I like to show respect when I enter any church. I sometimes pray.”

“I’m not religious but I also pray.”

We took a seat and stared at the large crucification cross in front of us. It was a modern interpretation made of wood, with the arms of the cross rising into victory arms.

“I’ve never seen a cross look so happy,” I observed.

“I like it. You know there are some denominations that are happier.”

He took out his camera and took a photo of the happy cross. “I used to pray to St. Jude, the saint for hopeless and desperate cases, for hope when I was unemployed and back home,” his face serious in reflection.

Outside we walked past a men’s clothing store and he stopped and looked into the display window. “I like suede shoes, like these.”

My thoughts naturally drifted back to his morning story of the 45 year-old and the suit. In thought, not only did I momentarily stop listening, my eyes stopped looking too. As he looked, I was lost in negative thought.

“Why do you like suede?” I presently had on a suede jacket and suede shoes.

“They’re easier to clean.”

“Really?”

Brought back to the present, I tried to recover how one cleaned suede, but I was looking in a foggy mind. We left the window and I never saw the shoes.

Somewhere deep in the 16th arrondissement near metro Jasmin, we took a cappuccino break and I insisted we sit at the bar instead of one of the outside tables. I recounted my lesson in the necessity of bar seating for cheaper coffee prices. The entire cafe was empty and all the Parisians were just like us clambering to the bar. One old guy dragged a stool right behind us as we took the last two seats and asked if he could be considered as bar seating. They told him he could sit by the window and still be considered at the bar.

He liked the cappuccino and the conversation veered to Asian fetish. I said “Everyone thinks just because I live in Germany I only like blond guys.”

“I know, I once dated a black girl and everyone said I had Jungle fever.”

“You know there are some Asian girls that only date other Asians.”

He nodded his head.

I continued, “The first thing I have to do with these girls is prove that the guy I like does not have a thing for Asians. I also used to think it was a bad thing (and in some cases it is) but when you actually think about it, I want the guys to like Asians. I’m Asian.”

“But don’t you want them to like you uniquely as Johanna.”

“Of course, but I am not a free flouting entity. I exist in an Asian body, that is also part of who I am. Do you have a type?”

“I don’t have a type, you’d have to ask my friends.” He seemed upset by this question, which made me think I wasn’t his type.

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