Possible lives

At 11:11:11:11:11:11 yesterday, I was looking forward to making my EPIC wish and I missed it! I got lost in listening to the Warblers “Uptown Girl” and the next thing I knew it was 11:11:11:11:16, damn. However, I made a wish the night before so I am hoping it will still be taken into consideration as I was also thinking about it before and after 11:11:11:11:11:11.

I’m an indecisive person when it comes to most important decisions in life and even when I do make an important decision, I sometimes forget my initial plan. My friend once tried to take a positive perspective on this fatal trait (number 1 cause of failure in most persons) and said unlike most people who kill possible lives, I kind of keep all of them on life support. Therefore, I should be happy I wasn’t a murderer. What I could have done 10 years ago, finding a job in publishing in NYC, I’ve kept that life a possibility, just in case, till now as if that editorial position at Penguin is just waiting for me to finally make the decision or realize this life as the ONE, my future. I’m now again trying to write a book I could have written 6 years ago, when I first moved to Berlin to be a freelance writer and photographer. The impossibility of doing an MFA in non-fiction writing also creeps up at times, even though its an impossibility. I find myself dueling with the possibility of so many different lives that in the end, they’re all on life support, just about to die, already dead, perhaps some are in a coma.

Then I try to find that small bit of rationality I possess within the mass of emotions and desires and try to do a logical process of elimination which I probably already did 5 years ago but then forgot since all the possible lives were still on life support. I NEED TO PULL THE PLUG.

In 2006, I once met someone who now seems to have found the ONE. He told me that in university, he wanted to become a comedian and then dropped out of Cambridge to pursue this and failed. He went back to university and finished and was now traveling; Japan, Canada, a few months in Berlin. He said he might write prose in Wales but didn’t want to become a journalist because he already knew he could do it. He also maybe wanted to do something with music as he played several instruments but mainly the guitar. I soon lost contact with him but he’s now a professional guitarist, playing with possibly every single up-and-coming jazz, soul, funk, indie musician in London. I was pretty amazed by this and wondered why can’t I do this? Just go for it. 100% no turning back, no regrets, putting all my energy into making the ONE work, to realize itself, to come off life support. Even though I found out about his successes and pondered that question 4 years ago, I still haven’t done it.

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